Warning: Language is a poem written about and dedicated to my eating disorder. I’ve been told, by myself and others, to be small with my voice and small with my body: this is not that.
Fuck you
Fuck you for telling me that I’m worthless and useless
And promising me that I could be something great
Like I’m not that already
Telling me I need you
Like I don’t already know that I need you even if I don’t really need you
Fuck you for making me need you when I’m not supposed to need you
Your toxicity makes me worthless and useless
You make me worthless and useless
Just like you tell me I am
Fuck you for making me feel worthless and useless
Telling me I am nothing close to great without you
Like I could never be great, except for you
Like every sense of pride and joy I’ve ever felt were lies
Lies I tell myself to hide the worthless, useless, hurting
Toxic stop talking stop talking stop talking
Fuck you for making me the person who needs you
And telling me I need you
Promising me I want you
Making me feel that together we could be
Hiding any strength I have to fight back
I am not weak but I am weak with you
You are the one that I hate, and that I hate, and that I will never love but need
Because I am weak and any strength I have to fight back
Is hidden
By you
So fuck you
Fuck you, you fucking asshole that is every voice that tells me not to swear
To be quiet and calm, to fit your idea of who I am
To be small with my voice and to be small with my body
I am six fucking feet tall and god knows how many pounds
Because I’m not allowed to weigh myself because I’m too weak
Fuck you for telling me I’m not loud when I am so fucking loud
My voice echoes down halls and my laugh turns corners and I stand in front of crowds and I am fucking loud
I am vibrant and big and can be confident when you’re not there
Because when you’re there I’m worthless, worthless, useless
And small
Small for you.
But I am six fucking feet tall and god knows how many pounds
With limbs in all directions and a fucking voice that needs to scream sometimes
Not because you make me want to scream, and you make me want to scream
But because I have things to scream about that aren’t you
And I will scream
And fuck you for telling me this won’t work
I’ve read the words of anger from the people who aspire to write the words of anger that inspire people to be the people who write words of anger from a place of aspiration and inspiration and fuck you that can be me
I am authentic and imperative to my world and a force of nature that will destroy and create
Aspiring myself to be great, inspiring others to be great
I can change my world, the world, the world of others
Fuck you for telling me to be small
And not do any of this
Because I have limbs that go in all directions and fat that stretches my clothes
And fuck you for telling me to be small when I’m anything but
I’m going to scream and change the world
I’m going to scream and change you
I’m going to scream and change me
Fuck you. You will not win. We will not coexist, happily or otherwise.
I will fight. I will scream. I will lead the charge.
I will never stop fighting, screaming, leading the charge.
So, fight back, scream back, you fucking coward
Because you’re going to need to.