A Message to My Eating Disorder (Warning: Language)

Mental Health

Warning: Language is a poem written about and dedicated to my eating disorder. I’ve been told, by myself and others, to be small with my voice and small with my body: this is not that.

Fuck you

Fuck you for telling me that I’m worthless and useless

And promising me that I could be something great

Like I’m not that already

Telling me I need you

Like I don’t already know that I need you even if I don’t really need you

Fuck you for making me need you when I’m not supposed to need you

Your toxicity makes me worthless and useless

You make me worthless and useless

Just like you tell me I am

Fuck you for making me feel worthless and useless

Telling me I am nothing close to great without you

Like I could never be great, except for you

Like every sense of pride and joy I’ve ever felt were lies

Lies I tell myself to hide the worthless, useless, hurting

Toxic stop talking stop talking stop talking

Fuck you for making me the person who needs you

And telling me I need you

Promising me I want you

Making me feel that together we could be

Hiding any strength I have to fight back

I am not weak but I am weak with you

You are the one that I hate, and that I hate, and that I will never love but need

Because I am weak and any strength I have to fight back

Is hidden

By you

So fuck you

Fuck you, you fucking asshole that is every voice that tells me not to swear

To be quiet and calm, to fit your idea of who I am

To be small with my voice and to be small with my body

I am six fucking feet tall and god knows how many pounds

Because I’m not allowed to weigh myself because I’m too weak

Fuck you for telling me I’m not loud when I am so fucking loud

My voice echoes down halls and my laugh turns corners and I stand in front of crowds and I am fucking loud

I am vibrant and big and can be confident when you’re not there

Because when you’re there I’m worthless, worthless, useless

And small

Small for you.

But I am six fucking feet tall and god knows how many pounds

With limbs in all directions and a fucking voice that needs to scream sometimes

Not because you make me want to scream, and you make me want to scream

But because I have things to scream about that aren’t you

And I will scream

And fuck you for telling me this won’t work

I’ve read the words of anger from the people who aspire to write the words of anger that inspire people to be the people who write words of anger from a place of aspiration and inspiration and fuck you that can be me

I am authentic and imperative to my world and a force of nature that will destroy and create

Aspiring myself to be great, inspiring others to be great

I can change my world, the world, the world of others

Fuck you for telling me to be small 

And not do any of this

Because I have limbs that go in all directions and fat that stretches my clothes

And fuck you for telling me to be small when I’m anything but

I’m going to scream and change the world

I’m going to scream and change you

I’m going to scream and change me

Fuck you. You will not win. We will not coexist, happily or otherwise.

I will fight. I will scream. I will lead the charge.

I will never stop fighting, screaming, leading the charge. 

So, fight back, scream back, you fucking coward

Because you’re going to need to.

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